I woke this morning with a sense of peace. The sun is shining, promising a beautiful day. I lay there taking in the peace of the morning. Maybe I can get in a ride. Yes, I should saddle up my boy and go for a nice long ride. Then it dawns on me what today is. Visitation. I have to drive the kids for an hour to see their dad. My young woman is refusing to go. She doesn't even want to be in the same building with him. My tender-hearted sweetheart has herself so worked up she has had a stomach ache for days. Little man is excited. Been counting the days. I so wish I could help the girls come to the same place. I tell them he didn't leave you. That's a lie. He left us all. They know this.
I have recovered from the initial shock and hurt of his actions and words. I love him. That will never change. But he's no longer the man I fell in love with. I have grieved the loss of that man. I have grieved the loss of what could have been. I am making peace with what is now my reality. I have a great sense of relief. I am relieved that the stress and tension of what had become our marriage is gone. I am able to see a future with happiness, something I hadn't been able to do for a long time. I will never marry again, but I am able to see someone else in my future. I also struggle with guilt, overwhelming guilt. It's only been 4 weeks. It seems like so much longer. Isn't it too soon to be feeling this way? He still hasn't even come to get the rest of his things yet. HE left ME! Should I spend the rest of my life pining for him? NO! HE left ME! I can't change that. I can't MAKE him want ME. I have accepted this. So then, why do I feel so guilty for hoping for happiness in my future. Maybe happiness with someone else. Why do I feel so guilty for coming to terms with what has now become my life?
