A letter came. It’s from him. My softhearted girl saw it. She knows it’s for her. I see the uncertainty in her eyes. I take the letter and read it. How could he? Begging her for contact. I warned him! Leave them alone. Give them time. How dare he! He is taking the time to drag them into OUR battle now, too. Maybe he didn't understand me when I warned him about that as well. They have their own battles to fight without having ours thrust upon them as well. Be a good influence for your brother, he will follow your lead, so call me, text me, anything! RAGE sweeps over me!
She sits on the bed next to me. Keep it together. Don't show her that! I take a deep breath and try to steady myself. I love you baby girl, and I always will, NEVER forget that! And "he" loves you too. I struggle to find the words. The Rage is trying to take over. This isn't the time. Another breathe. My hands are shaking. Reassure her. Try to prepare her. As she reads, tears stream down her face. Here comes my new friend. I want to hurt him! Make him feel the pain that she is feeling! I gather her in my arms again. I love you baby.
With one simple letter we have been knocked back. Does he do this on purpose? Or is he just that mindless? Thank God she will be leaving for the weekend. A weekend away. A weekend of being just a kid!
Sleep has been fleeting. My mind won't stop. It plays scenes from the past, mixed with fears for the future. I toss and turn. I just can't get away from it. I give up and wander the house. Room by room, checking on the kids. Listening to their steady breathing sooths me. Please let their dreams be ones of joy and hope. I pace the floors. Not sure what to do. I pass a clock – 2 am. Another round to check on the kids. 3 am – still no sleep. My body is tired. It screams for rest. 4am – I drift off on the couch. 4:30 – I am awake. Another round through the house. All is quiet. I go lay back in bed. Maybe this time I will sleep. Only a couple more hours till I need to be up again. I am in and out of a light sleep. 5:30 am – sleep finally comes, just in time for the alarms to wake me for another day. Kids off to school. Animals cared for.
Today is the day. My son is going to see his father for the first time in three weeks today. Thoughts and fears of what this will bring race through my head. The letter showed how little he regards their feelings. It’s all about him. Place the blame somewhere else. Beg for something he had and threw away. Lay guilt where it does not belong. How am I gonna make it through this? I have to be the adult. I have to show my kids I am strong enough. But he is walking a dangerous line. These may be his children, but they are my WORLD. I will try to talk with him again tonight. Lord, give me the right words to get through to him!