Health, stress, shortage of time. It's all ganging up on me. I feel like I am on the verge of a major break down, or break through. Or perhaps both. I feel it. It's like the feeling before a storm. The air is heavy, there is a charge to it. I feel it. Just waiting there. It's waiting for me to let my guard down, just for a second. I know this feeling all too well.
This time I know better then to dismiss it. I dread what is to come. I have no way to escape this feeling. Even for just a short while. My time is stretched so thin. My time with my horses and friends is all but non-existent. Work. Kids. Household chores. All demanding of my time.
My other escape is rocky now too. There is a distance there. Schedules are cruel, and offer little time. I feel as though I am a filler. Perhaps just better then the alternative of being alone. Overnight, things have changed. Do I hang on and ride it out? Let this take its course and see where it lands? I long to be desired. Wanted. Adored. It was there, once. Did I do something to chase it away?
Struggles with my young woman have only helped to add to the tension. She is strong, and out spoken but young and so very naive. She is me. Could this be where the storm will come from?
Health has been a juggling act. Infections. Tests. Appointments. Adjusting this, to compensate for that. Quiting smoking. Added stress. But much needed change. In the end it will only help.
Things I used to be able to do, are no more. Donating my time. Things that allowed me to combine my horses and friends. I long for that time. I keep telling myself it will come again. Until then I look for other ways to relax. Breath. Refresh. And deal with the guilt when it takes away from my babies or responsibilities.
I know this storm will come. And with this too, I am hoping I will make it through.